


Special to Me

by Songbird321



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: All Angst and Sadness, And I Hope That Reading It Helps You Process Like Writing Helped Me Process, Appearances by Armin Mikasa Eren Hanji and Others, Canon Compliant, F/M, I Needed to Write It, Major Spoilers for SNK 105, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-02 05:58:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14538171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Songbird321/pseuds/Songbird321
Summary: He'd had never been a selfish person; he’d never once owned something that he didn’t mind sharing with others. And yet it had felt right to be selfish just this once.Written in response to Chapter 105. There are MANGA SPOILERS, so if you aren't caught up or haven't read 105 yet, be warned.





	Special to Me

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a long time since I've posted on here! I've been so busy, and it just so happened that something happened this first week I've had free time that I had to write about it. 
> 
> A fan translation of Shingeki no Kyojin Chapter 105 was released yesterday. For those who HAVEN'T READ THE CHAPTER, THERE ARE SPOILERS AHEAD. This entire story is a spoiler. I'm warning you a million times about that. 
> 
> I was really affected by what happened to everyone this chapter, but I couldn't get the thought of this out of my head. So here's my take on it. 
> 
> P.S. Don't listen to Just a Dream by Carrie Underwood. Unless you want something that kinda hits home a little too much with this.

It happened too fast for anyone to realize what was happening. 

One second, he was hugging Jean and Sasha, their bodies warm and alive beneath his fingers. The next, a kid shot through the opening in the ship, wielding a gun. And in that third second, the girl with a terrifyingly familiar gleam in her eyes, aimed and fired. 

Connie’s eyes followed the bullet. And even if they hadn’t, he still would’ve heard her voice scream out above the rest of the chaos unfolding around them. 

One second, a gun was fired. The next, Sasha, his best friend, was falling to the floor, like a doll thrown aside, a thin ribbon of red escaping from her abdomen. Connie yelled, he didn’t know what, her name or unintelligible nonsense, just guttural noise to express the panic shooting up his brain. Everything had stopped; time felt frozen and all he could hear was the sound of his heart beating, her screaming, and her body hitting the floor. 

The blood pooling beneath Sasha’s broken body brought him back to reality. 

“Sasha?!” Connie exclaimed, collapsing to his knees next to her. He heard movement around him, heard the report of two more guns, but he saw none of it. His eyes were focused solely on his best friend, the rest of the world disappearing. His hands fluttered over her, touching her face, her hair, her shoulders. Sasha’s eyes were unfocused, wide and staring off at the wall, not acknowledging anything he did. Her lips were slightly parted as if she’d just heard something shocking, her expression frozen like that. Ragged breaths escaped her lips. 

“Hey!” Connie called, hand grabbing her shoulder. He shook her lightly, too lightly, as if she were fragile and the simplest touch would break her. He’d never thought of Sasha as fragile before. His heartbeat echoed in his hears. “Hey!”

“Sasha!” Jean appeared at her side, and Connie felt fear tightening in his throat. He swallowed it down, calling her name again, this time cupping her cheek in his hand. 

“Wake up!” Connie pleaded, more an order than a suggestion. Sasha’s eyes remained unfocused, not looking at him. The fear, not to be ignored, began to coil in Connie’s stomach. “HEY!!” he yelled, Jean eerily silent behind him. He grabbed her shoulder again, shaking a bit harder this time. 

Sasha’s head moved a fraction of an inch towards them. “So noisy….” The words were quiet, strained, alien in her mouth. Connie had never heard her voice so pained before, not even after Shinganshina. But they were words, and Connie exhaled a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Jean sat at attention too as Sasha’s lips kept moving. “Is…” Connie’s fingers tightened on her shoulder, pressing her to go on, to hold on, to just stay alive. “…supper still not ready?”

Connie’s eyes stung. He wasn’t sure if he was about to laugh or cry or both. The words she said were so undeniably Sasha, but her voice was so unknown and her eyes were dull and the blood was still… everywhere. 

“Stop the bleeding!” Jean’s voice ordered, snapping Connie back once again. A shaky “Y-yes sir” sounded in response, and Jean’s next words were drowned out as Connie cupped Sasha’s cheeks one more time and ordered his own: “Sasha! Hold on till we reach the island!” He had no idea how far away they were, but the other option was inconceivable. They couldn’t be that far away, right? They’d make it back to the island and get her to the hospital and… and everything would be okay. 

“…Meat…” Sasha whispered in reply. A strangled sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob escaped Connie’s throat as two cadets with bandages gently pushed him away. Leave it to Sasha to still be thinking about dinner after being shot. Connie could hardly laugh at it though, the present reality far too grave and serious to laugh now; they could do that later. He moved back willingly, eyes never leaving Sasha’s face, in part because he couldn’t bear to look any lower. But also because her eyes were losing more and more focus and he wanted to remember that warm amber color they were just in case…

_No,_ he scolded himself. There would be no just in case. Sasha was gonna be fine.

Connie watched as the medics worked, watched as if his will alone could mend the wound in his best friend’s stomach, stopping the blood that was still staining the floor and slowly escaping from her lips… The knot in Connie’s chest snapped. That was never a good sign. 

Even after the bandages were sealed, they turned scarlet in seconds. The medics tried again. Sasha whimpered once as they worked. Connie grasped her hand and squeezed. He felt only a faint squeeze back. 

He began to talk, stammering out stories from childhood, training, and other adventures they’d been on together. Connie had been told he was a nervous talker, but he’d never known that to be a good thing until right now, when maybe his words were the key to keeping Sasha conscious. He focused on the happy stories, the fun times they’d shared with Jean and Mikasa and Historia and everyone. Sasha’s eyes, though heavy and blank, watched him, small smiles creeping up her lips even as she winced from time to time as the medics worked. Connie’s thumb stroked her hand as he talked, silently begging her to stay with him. 

The medics stopped.  
“It won’t stop,” one of them whispered, as if they didn’t want Sasha to hear. Connie’s blood went cold. 

“No, no, you have to _do_ something,” Connie whispered desperately. 

The looks that met his were sullen and bright with tears. “We can’t, Mr. Springer,” the girl said, voice hollow. 

“What do you mean you can’t?” he asked, hardly aware that his voice was rising. 

A tear slipped down the young man’s cheek. “We don’t have the proper supplies on board,” he said. “There’s… this is all we could do and it’s not…” He gestured to the new bandages they’d wrapped around the wound, already crimson. “There just isn’t… enough time left.”

Connie nodded slowly. 

He felt pressure on his hand, and his eyes shot to Sasha. Her eyes were half open, looking at him. She pulled on his hand, a sign for him to come closer. Connie bent down, their faces inches apart. He moved so his ear was closer to her lips. 

“You’re special to me too,” Sasha whispered. “When we got back, we could’ve…” Her voice trailed off, biting her lips as her face scrunched up in pain. Connie squeezed her hand in both of his. “I would’ve…”

“I know,” Connie whispered back. “I know.” 

A ghost of a smile spread across Sasha’s bloodstained lips. “You’re so wonderful.” 

Connie opened his mouth to reply, but never had the chance, as the door burst open and Mikasa and Armin came running in, panicked and desperately begging Sasha to be okay. Connie moved back, never letting go of Sasha’s hand. He watched her eyes move slowly to take in Armin and then Mikasa, her lips trying to smile for them too. When had her face gotten so pale? 

Connie squeezed Sasha’s hand. She squeezed back. 

“What happened?” Armin asked as Mikasa hold onto Sasha’s other hand. 

“That little girl shot her,” Connie said. Armin’s eyes fluttered to the bandage around Sasha’s middle, his face draining of color at how red they were. 

Connie noticed that Sasha’s eyes had closed, her face wrinkled slightly in pain. He squeezed her hand. She gave a tiny squeeze back. 

“Isn’t there anything more they can do?” Mikasa asked desperately. Connie couldn’t meet her eyes as he shook his head. 

Connie squeezed Sasha’s hand. There was no response. 

He squeezed again. 

Nothing. 

“Sasha?”

He squeezed a third time. 

“Sasha?” His voice sounded small, foreign to him, as if it weren’t his voice but that of a child. 

_You’re so wonderful._

Connie let her hand fall as the first tears slipped down his cheeks. He didn’t know why they’d taken so long, shock maybe, or even a fool’s hope. Regardless, he didn’t have the care or energy to stop them now as they began to fall. 

Armin watched as he stood up silently and moved towards the door. Mikasa was begging Sasha to open her eyes, quietly pleading with her to wake up. Connie heard Armin join her, their pleading turning to sobs and desperate cries before he reaching the door. But he kept moving until he was in the ship’s main room, and the eyes of so many people he knew and many he didn’t were on him. 

He felt cold, detached, as if he weren’t himself. The only thing anchoring him to his body was the feeling of the tears running down his cheeks. 

“Sasha has… died,” he announced. The last word caught in his throat, refusing to be said as if it were any other word. There was something about the word ‘died’ that hurt, like poison in his mouth. It certainly poisoned the room once spoken. 

Every face in the room turned to him, some blank with shock, others crumpling with disbelief. Connie couldn’t meet any of their eyes. He didn’t have the strength to see his own sadness reflected there. That would have broken him completely. 

“What?” Hanji whispered. Another few tears spilled from Connie’s eyes. 

“Connie…”

He looked up at Eren for the first time. The other boy’s head was down, eyes trained on the floor. A lump caught in Connie’s throat. “What were Sasha’s final words?” Eren asked.

Connie paused. The question took him by surprise. Sasha’s voice immediately echoed in his head: _You’re so wonderful._ _I would’ve… we could’ve…_ _You’re special to me too._

In that second, Connie’s head filled with chaos. Pain like no other he’d ever experienced cut through his chest knowing that those were the last words she’d ever speak, the last time he’d hear her voice, the last memory he’d have of her. Loneliness loomed as he thought of all the years ahead without her laugh, her smile, _her_. Anger ignited, flames engulfing him because Eren even dared to ask; Eren, the very reason Sasha was dead, had the audacity to ask him to repeat her last words. Desire flared with a horrifying possessiveness, wanting those final words to belong to him and him alone… 

Another tear fell and hit Connie’s shoe. 

“She said ‘meat,’” he answered, lips moving mechanically. Connie had never been a selfish person; he’d never once owned something that he didn’t mind sharing with others. And it felt strange to be greedy enough to keep Sasha’s final words to himself. They had all loved her, it was impossible not to; they had the same right he did to know the truth. And yet it had felt right to be selfish just this once. 

Eren sat frozen, his face still completely hidden. Connie couldn’t tell if his words had moved him at all, wondered if Eren would’ve jumped up and hugged him if he’d admitted the truth.

“Eren,” Jean said. His voice was hollow, but there was an edge in it that Connie hasn’t heard in a while. His eyes begin to sting harder. “Sasha died because you dragged the Survey Corps into this mess.” Eren made a choked sound, face still downturned and hidden behind his hair. Connie watched, eyes wide. All he could do was watch. 

A warm hand squeezed his shoulder. Connie flinched with surprise, meeting Hanji’s eyes. When had she approached him? 

“I’m sorry,” the commander said softly, as if the words were meant for him alone. Just like Sasha’s. “I know that you two were very close, and I’m sorry that you’ve lost someone else dear to you.”

Connie nodded, muttering a “Thank you,” as his voice didn’t seem to be able to work anymore. The numbness was creeping back in, now that he’d given his message and given them all a lie to remember his Sasha by… the vague sense of laughter he’d had when she’d said ‘meat’ returned to him. At least he gave them something good to hold onto. 

But what he had was better. Was it ideal? Never. Ideal would be Sasha, alive and well. It would be Sasha telling him he was wonderful every day. It would be Sasha, beaming at him after they returned to Paradis, saying ‘yes.’ He had his mother’s ring hidden in his pillow back at headquarters, wrapped up in a letter Sasha’s father had written him after Connie had gone to ask him permission. And he knew that she would’ve…

A gentle squeeze of his shoulder brought Connie back to reality once again. He expected to see Hanji again, but it was Jean this time. 

“You wanna talk about it?” Jean asked softly. Conversation was beginning to resume behind them, but Connie could tell Jean was blocking it out too. 

“Not now,” Connie replied, avoiding Jean’s gaze as he swiped at his eyes. He couldn’t tell if the tears were still falling or not. 

“Want to just go sit somewhere quiet?”

Connie offered him a half-hearted grin. “Yes.”

Jean slung his arm around Connie’s shoulders and led him out of the room, into a small corridor between the main room and room where the rest of the troops were. Jean maneuvered them both down onto crates against the wall, never letting go of Connie’s shoulders. The numbness had taken full control of Connie, and he had a feeling Jean was heading towards the same territory. 

“She was very special to me too,” Jean said, voice echoing in the empty corridor. Connie nodded blankly. “So are you.”

“I know,” Connie replied, playing with his thumbs. Thumbs that had hopelessly tried to coax life into Sasha moments ago. His vision began to blur. “What are we gonna do?”

“What we always do,” Jean sighed. “Keep going. Live the life they would’ve wanted.”

Connie closed his eyes, breathing deeply. It didn’t help stop the tears or the emptiness or anything, but at least he was breathing. Which actually made him feel worse because she wasn’t. The guilt that began to fill him was almost worse than the emptiness. “Is this how it felt when…?” His voice broke. 

Jean nodded, squeezing Connie’s shoulder tight. “Yes. I think it’s worse now, though. We’ve had…” He paused, looking down at his shoes. His voice was strained when he finished, “a lot more time with…” 

“Yeah,” Connie cut him off with a half-hearted laugh. Jean gave a soft chuckle too, voice rough. “He said yes, you know.”

“Her dad?” Jean asked. 

“Yeah. I was gonna… ask her when we got home,” Connie said, smiling faintly. “I think she knew it too. She told me… that she would’ve…”

Everything broke loose. Every emotion that had been swirling and flaring and pulling at him began to drown him, and Connie completely gave in to it. He covered his face with his hands, sobs wracking his body, the sound echoing around the empty corridor. 

Was this what forever was going to be like without her? Empty days filled with echoing sobs? 

Jean’s reassuring arm transformed into a tight hug, and Connie melted into his embrace, letting Jean hold him up as he broke down. He hardly felt the tears hitting his own shoulder. 

“Will you tell me what she said to you one day?” Jean whispered, voice gravely and muffled into Connie’s shoulder. “What her last words were?”

Connie gave a single nod. Cause a part of him acknowledge that Jean deserved to know. And one day he would. Just not now. Maybe not tomorrow. Or even anytime soon at all. 

Cause for now, Connie wanted to be the sole keeper of Sasha’s final memory. He wanted to be the one she talked to with her last breath. The one who held her hand as she crossed into the next world. 

The world owed him that at least.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I hope it didn't break your heart too much; it was very cathartic for me to write it to process what happened. 
> 
> Be sure to leave a comment of what you thought! Thanks!


End file.
